So, I have a bit of a skill of jamming in more body treatments into a trip away than most people. I have been known to get that many foot massages I end up too bruised and unable to walk, those Balinese sure know how to pummel ones feet! Out of all of the massages I have had over the world, I have found that the Thai’s do the best full body massage, the Chinese do the best seated neck, back and shoulder massage and the Indonesians, the best foot massage. I hate paying for a fluffy massage, I’m a “get stuck in and kinda do a bit of damage” kinda girl when it comes to massage.
Having said that, the Thai’s sure have the finesse to pry your muscles off their bits, get up underneath them and turn them inside out whilst somehow still managing to keep them attached to your body. There is that fine line between relief and agony and that moment when you don’t know whether to say anything or just go with it and hope you don’t require a stretcher out of there. I also love how they massage you flat on the floor, with no means of escaping through a face hole like Western body massages. The only way out would be to burrow through the floor or up flip ninja style and whistle to summons your monkey magic cloud and float outta there. How is it that someone so petite can inflict so much pain? I love how they ask if you want it soft or firm, I always reply with a medium, however, some of them don’t understand the translation for this, and as nearly everything else in life I commit and follow through, so who am I to ask for it to be softer and look like a pussy? They do sometimes ask “is that OK” and you can’t reply as the wind has been knocked out of you whilst they are flipping you forward.
I also like how they make you wear a loose top and “fisherman’s pants”, this way you have no body bits flopping out inappropriately whilst being jostled about the floor. Me donning the fisherman’s pants is always entertaining as I forget how to wear them, if you know me, I don’t really do hippy shit or yoga and I passed through that phase a few years back when people wore them, usually hippies or people coming back from Bali, these pants are one step up from jim jams or tracky daks. I always assume there is some sort of hidden camera watching my comedy of errors in getting into them.
I shall digress to an incident on the flight over here, we were lucky enough to have a spare seat, so 2 of us with 3 seats. I usually only need two seats to have a lie down, I get the spare seat as my husband can sleep standing up, true story, I have a witness! Anyway, my husband thoughtfully flipped up the arm rests so I could lay my head down, just as I was dozing off, the arm rest slammed down on my skull. Let me tell you, in case you have never had an airplane seat armrest crack you on the skull, it fucking hurt and I thought I was going to have a mid-air episode, he continued on with watching his movie and I writhed around in pain for a while. It has been sore ever since, bit I kinda forgot about it for a moment mid massage as I thought my achilles had been ruptured and BAM, my head! She found it alright, she found it for a while, and it sure took my mind away from the peaceful bird chirping and waterfall music. I guess they play that stuff to relax your mind so you don’t concentrate on your cracking joints or the pinging of your inner thigh?
After an hour of this sought out and paid for torture, I had survived to write this post. As I was texting my hubby to advise him that I was alive and well, I typed pummeled, interestingly enough, my predictive text suggested I put the word Asian next? Even the android operating system knows this! Anyway, I’m going to have some fluids and a lie down.
